Loosen Up Your Buttons, Baby

Loosen up the buttons, baby. You never have to hide just because someone attempts to shame you into the shadows.

Come Wade In The Water With Me

It seems to be a common bonding ritual for women to stand around and talk smack about their bodies. I am in no position to judge this practice, as it was general operating procedure for me as well. I stopped when I took a challenge in mindfulness. (here, here, and here.) I learned so much about how often I automatically insulted myself.

The problem with these comments is they seep into our heads, and fuel the bitchy voice that reminds us of our faults. Fueling that bitch only creates a perfect storm of self-hate.

It’s not our fault we talk shit about our bodies. I think society has so warped how we are suppose to see ourselves. It is considered vain to not knock some part of our body when someone else does it. It is how women bond.

And, let’s be honest. It’s how we fish for compliments. Both with fellow women and with men. There’s no better way to get a man to tell you how beautiful you are than by looking at him and saying that you aren’t beautiful. I get it. Been there. At the same time, it is hard to take compliments about our bodies. Any time someone verbally acknowledges our physical features, it’s so hard not to swat those words away and speak down to them.

Wanna know a little secret? If you talk shit about your own body long enough, not only will you believe it, but so will your partner. Eventually, they will also see your body in a negative light. We tell our partners how to treat us, and how to see us.

But, coming from someone who has been off the wagon of talking shit about myself for a year or so now (give or take a few mistakes), I can tell you there is a better way. It’s amazing much easier it is to enjoy your reflection in the mirror when your not talking shit about your body all the time. What we say out loud becomes what we think to ourselves at our most vulnerable moments. Be kind to yourself at all times. And, honestly, believe when people tell you that you are beautiful.

Wash off the weight of the world’s shame. Come wade in the body positive water with me. You will find it refreshingly invigorating.

Coming To Terms With My Sensitivity

I realized something recently. And, even though it scares me to be so open about it, I wonder if maybe it will help others. It should be said, that I do not believe that everyone who is on the journey of body positivity shares my same personality traits. We are all unique individuals.

I am very sensitive. Any criticism has always gone straight into my heart and burrowed it’s way to my very soul. So many of these stinging words still make an unhappy home there. You could say that the locust of my identity has always been singularly exterior. (If you get that reference, I owe you a paper on adolescent gibbons.)

I’m sure you can imagine how being so sensitive can be connected to body image issues. When I looked in the mirror I was thinking about what other people saw. My entire self-image was dictated by the opinions of others. (Yes, as I type that I see the sad irony.) But, as I move with this journey of self acceptance, I am starting to learn that what other people think of me is none of my business and therefore meaningless. What matters is what I think. I think of my body is capable of many amazing things, certainly more than I used to give her credit for. She grew a human. She does a spectacular body roll. She can hike. She can dance. She can comfort. She can laugh.

My whole life, if other people thought I wasn’t good at something, I always took their word for it. Now, I’m learning to neither ask or care what someone else thinks. I am my only judge. Once I started seeing my body without the filter of other people’s opinions, the fog started to lift on the rest of my life. It was like seeing the world through my own eyes for the first time.

And, that’s what this journey does for me. It’s not just about being able to look at my body in a mirror (though the fact that I smile when I do is a nice change.) Becoming body positive hasn’t just been about finding more freedom in my wardrobe (though not caring about fashion rules has made my closet more lively.) Going on this journey of self acceptance has improved every aspect of my life. I have learned to harness my own power, and not give it away to others.

I no longer believe that I am too fat to do anything. I no longer believe that my outward appearance dictates my worth. I no longer let other people’s opinions become my self-image.  As I debunk all the criticisms I have taken to heart over the years I am learning the truth. I am worthy. I am capable. I am loved.

So, even though I started this journey focusing solely on my appearance, I’m realizing the work I have been doing as been strictly internal. It’s not about telling other people what they should see when they look at me, but what I see when I look at myself.

I’m also realizing that being sensitive isn’t a bad thing. I can be sensitive to how my actions affect those around me. Instead of focusing on how people speak to and about me, I can focus on how I speak about and to others. And, that is really what life is all about. We are all individuals, each with a unique skill set. I was given the gift of sensitivity, and thanks to the body positive movement, I now have the freedom to use it to make the world a better place.

 

 

How Giving Up The Fat Shame Spiral Made My Life Better

The caveat to every fat shaming rant is they are never talking about people with legitimate health conditions. Even though they are really talking about everyone because you can never see the difference, the one saving grace is they aren’t talking about most obese people.

I, however, am their target audience. I have no withstanding medical conditions. I have no legitimate “excuses”. (There are multitudes of people in the world that have real reasons why losing weight is difficult. The struggle for them is insanely real.)

Sure, I could go on a long diatribe of reasons and set backs. It could probably be incredibly convincing by the time I’m done, but even I know better. If I would have had better discipline and habits in my early life, I would not look the way I do. And, that is what these fat shamers want to see. Yes, I take responsibility for my outward appearance.

But, does this mean I should hate myself thin?

I hit the full fat shame spiral at the end of 2013, and decided (again) to dedicate myself to counting calories and exercising every day. Myfitnesspal.com and I were inseparable. And, sure, in a couple months I lost 20 pounds. For every pound I lost, I gained more despair. I was still fat. I knew, because I have lost over 60 pounds twice in my life before, that even when I hit that big loss goal I would still look fat. Even at my healthiest, I have always been stocky.

It began to feel like I was driving my soul into a life of lifelessness.

Then, I met some women who loved themselves. Women who truly, without abandon, love who they are and how they live. There was no talk about weight loss when we sat at the table. The conversations were about hobbies, interests, all the things that fed their soul. I was watching people living the happy life I wanted.

That’s when it hit me. I was letting the world around me say what my body and soul needed. I was believing the lie that to be happy is to be healthy and to be healthy is to be thin. I was stuck in the circle of shame that says until you meet a certain standard for beauty you have no right to happiness, or love. Can you imagine what that does to a marriage, to all your relationships, when you believe you are unworthy of love?

So, I began to believe in myself. I started listening to my internal dialog, and realized I was my own toughest fat shamer. I questioned all the limits I had put on myself and all the times I said I couldn’t do something, because I was fat. I stopped exercising at home. I no longer felt the need to protect the world from the sight of a fat body sweating.

When I began to explore world, and all the active hobbies that were available to me, I realized I love to hike. Just as importantly, I learned that I could hike. I have worked my way from 1 mile loops in town to 9 mile treks in the wilderness. I found strength, and power, in the waterfalls I visited. I discovered a love, and a new goal that will probably take my whole life to accomplish. I found a hobby that feeds my soul as much as it works my body.

I learned that I love to dance. I have always liked dancing, but when your stuck in that fat shame spiral you don’t believe you should dance, or at least I didn’t anyway. I felt like no one wanted to see a fat person dancing. Once I started realizing the only opinion that really matters was my own, I woke up to the fact that dancing makes me feel alive and at the same time provides a type of moving meditation. It quiets my head, and all the voices of the world that tell me that I am unworthy. I love it so much, I spend almost an hour a day practicing at home on top of the almost 15 hours a week on the floor.

It was amazing, the transformation from focusing on how I was treating my body to how I was treating my soul. The shame began to diminish. My feelings of worthlessness began to dissipate. I suddenly felt worthy of love. It began to dawn on me that I never truly loved myself, and only when I love something do I really want to take care of it.

I don’t get on the scale anymore, because I don’t believe there is anything about that number that matters to me. I still look at the calories of meals, and am learning to make better choices. The difference is, I make this choices out of love. I don’t feel like I am denying myself. I do this because I am worthy of focus. And, honestly, am I beginning to enjoy discovering new likes and preferences. For the record, steamed broccoli is not as bad as I remember it.

And, yes, I am still losing weight. Maybe not as efficiently as others. But, I do find that every few months I am having to dig out a smaller size of pants from my stash of old clothes in the back of my closet. And, although I know it is blasphemous to my new mindset, it does make me smile. The other day, I bought shorts that were size 15-17. When I started this journey I was wearing jeans that were size 22-24. The difference is, that smile doesn’t dissipate when I have a setback. I don’t have to wait until I get to a goal weight to love who I see in a mirror.

So, yes, I am the kind of fat person that all those negative voices are yelling at. I have no legitimate “excuse” for my body composition. I feel like I tried life the “traditional” way for almost 30 years. It only brought me the weight of guilt and shame. That fear and worthlessness only fed into my negativity and created the breading ground for unhealthy habits.

More importantly, no one should have to justify their outward appearance. We, as individuals, have the right to treat our bodies as we see fit. If I chose to drive my body into an early grave, so be it. If I chose to feed my soul with food that I love, that is my call. If I chose to find the fat in my body beautiful, that is my choice. If I chose a path to healthiness that focuses on my soul instead of my waistline, it is my path to follow. No one has to explain themselves to anyone.

Maybe fat shaming works for some people in my place. I’ll admit it has motivated me to get off the couch before. But, for me (and maybe it’s just me as an “inexcusable” fat person, I can’t claim to speak for all of us) I had to lose the weight of guilt and shame before I could lose anything else. I had to gain self-love first. Only through my new journey have I begun to find sustainable, healthy, lifestyle changes that will stick. No more unhealthy crash diets and no more fear of living.

The problem with fat shaming, is it affects everyone. It is emotional terrorism on anyone with a body, whether it is the type of body they mean for it to affect or not. I accept that I may be the “hideous” and “repulsive” type of fat person that needs to be told to kill myself, according to these voices. Which doesn’t bother me, because I stop listening to them a long time ago. But they are yelling these harmful messages at everyone. And, they need to stop. Discriminating against people of different body types is the last, socially acceptable form of discrimination. It is wrong, and it is damaging our society. It contributes to eating disorders of all kind, and the destruction of the mental health of thousand (of all body types.)

The Healthiest Thing I Ever Did Was Become Body Positive.

When I first started to identify with the body positive movement I was neck deep in myfitnesspal.com and counting calories. I began to wonder if it was really possible to focus on losing weight and become “body positive.” It almost derailed my journey to self acceptance.

I was stuck in a logic loop that said that in order to become healthy I had to change my outward appearance. I couldn’t love my body, or myself, until I hit a certain weight. Luckily, the dark side of the health industry did not win the battle for my soul.

Of course, as I’ve talked about in my previous posts, focusing on becoming body positive has lead to a healthier lifestyle. The conundrum really solved itself. Unfortunately, I hear all too often about women who love the idea of loving themselves but they have too much weigh to lose.

Becoming body positive is not about ignoring my health, or pretending like the rules for healthy living don’t apply to me. Fruits and vegetables are still an important part of my diet. Soda is bad for me, and I’m doing very well with kicking it to the curb and detaching from the sugary teet. I still struggle with finding well rounded, healthy, meals that appeal to everyone in my family. I am confident I would be having these struggles either way. It’s the way I go about these struggles that has drastically changed.

In my previous post, I talk about how I’m winning the war against emotional eating without having to wage a single battle.

It’s about health. Honestly, it’s not about losing weight anymore. I no longer buy into the mind-washing BS that I have to be a certain size to enjoy my life, or to be viewed as a decent human being. Because I’m learning to love my body, and all the wonderful things I can do with it, I want to treat it with care. My focus on eating better comes from a more caring and loving place, making it easier to focus on. It’s not fueled by shame, fear, or rules.

It’s about doing things I love. I’ve found physical activities that motivate and inspire me to move my body. I don’t know if I would have found the confidence to explore hiking and dancing without the body positive movement.

I hope you notice what is missing. My health goals aren’t about conforming my body to  the unattainable standard of beauty. It’s about living life to it’s largest potential.

We should all want to be as healthy as we can possibly be. We only have one life, one body, and treating it with care is so important. The problem is that we live in a time when so many people confuse healthy with skinny. Not every skinny person is healthy. Not every fat person is unhealthy. Health is not an outward appearance thing. Being healthy is not about how pretty you look. Once I separated pursuing health from pursuing beauty, it made it much easier to focus on trying to live a healthier life.

I have to admit, most of my lifestyle isn’t about pursuing healthy habits at all. I hike because I love the outdoors, and the feeling of exploring something new. I walk because it’s a great way to socialize. I dance because I love synchronizing my body with music. (Let’s be honest, I also like to pretend I’m a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader.) I found hobbies that recharg my soul. Yet, because of these hobbies I exercise, and sweat, more every week than I used to in a year.

The healthiest thing I ever did for myself was become body positive. I can honor my body’s unique needs without guilt and shame. I realized that my path to being healthy is something very personal and specific to my body. I could explore what options were right for me.

It’s okay to be body positive and focus on a improving health. Being body positive means being free to find the path that is right for you, and works with what your body needs. The movement is all about recognizing that every body is different, and each person has different needs and health issues. Whatever it is that makes you feel fulfilled and happy, go for it.

It’s your life. It’s your path. It’s your decision. Don’t believe that you have to hate yourself in order to be healthy.

 

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