We All Lose Our Way

20150328_140727I feel like I’ve been writing a lot about the intersection of body positivity and health. I get on the soapbox and talk about it’s possible to live in that intersection without sacrificing your self love or your desire to be your healthiest self. There is a way to meld these two together in harmony. It’s all about checking your motivatations and not making any decision purely to chase the unattainable goal of the perfect looking body. Thinness isn’t health. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Here’s the thing. I’m feeling like a fraud lately.

Ever since I went on stage for my first open mic, I’ve been battling the old voices. I thought I was strong, and ready to take my next step into the world. But, I worry. Will my weight keep people for appreciating my humor? Will people give me a chance? Will they still be able to relate to me, and what I’m saying, even if I don’t “look pleasing?” Do I need to start wearing make up at every show, and update my wardrobe?

It has motivated me to start working out at home. This is something I have battled forever. “Traditional” exercise has always made me feel weak in the past. But, that has changed. I am up to doing 100 squats, 100 crunches, and 85 push ups. I’m going slow, but it is feeling amazing.

But I know I’m doing it for the wrong reasons. I’m doing it in hopes that, eventually, it will start changing some of the dimensions of my body. I’m hoping, on top of all the healthy stuff I am already doing, this will help my body begin to conform to a more “acceptable” shape.

20140823_085751There is some truth to my rationalizations. I’m not hiking right now, it’s too cold and wintery for me. And, it doesn’t stay light late enough for me to go for walks after my husband gets home. Plus, I’m not dancing as often. So, I need to do something at home while my son is at school. I need to keep my stamina up so I can hike and hunt waterfalls this coming season.

But, I have to admit, my head isn’t in the right place, either.

We all get lost on our journeys. No one is prepared for every twist and turn. The trick to is find your way again. I’ll get there. So will you.

5 thoughts on “We All Lose Our Way

  1. There’s also nothing wrong with losing your way. You are the only one who has to live in your head, and your body. As much as I would love to tell you that people don’t care what you look like, I can’t, because they do…… unfortunately. Aim for healthy and your beauty shines through in your skin, your hair, your posture and your smile. There are a bunch of people out there in the same position as you who would also line up for hugs. Stick with it, you have no idea how beautiful you are.


  2. I don’t think you’ve lost your way. Just as you shouldn’t feel compelled to be super skinny to be accepted as a woman you shouldn’t feel compelled to stay above a certain size to be an acceptable body positivity warrior. You do whatever YOU want with your body and be proud of it. You should be super proud of 85 push-ups!!! I’m 6 days in to one of those ab challenges that float around Pinterest and Facebook (modified to include full body exercises as well) and I was surprised (and proud!) I was able to hold a 25 second plank. You should be super proud of yourself for being so strong. Please don’t let guilt and shame get in the way of doing what you want to do with your life!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This has been my same situation. I’ve been feeling bad about myself lately ever since I tried on my bikini top. I immediately went back to the I can’t wear this till I lose weight mentality. It’s a hard road to stay on but we fight to be on it. Shift your thoughts away from doing it for the people and towards doing it for the hiking! Easier said than done I know that much.

    Liked by 1 person

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