A Wayword BoPo Sheep

I am struggling with my body positivity. I’m not sure what else there is to say. The soaring confidence I used to have in the body positivity movement doesn’t seem to be coursing through my veins like before.

It’s not that I don’t believe in the movement. In fact, I still believe it has done tremendous things for my life. I would have never embraced my ability to dance without it. I never would have explored the forest, waterfalls, and hiking in general with out it. I certainly would not have found the confidence to get on stage and try stand up comedy with out Body Positivity.

Yet, if I were to give a “State of My Union” address, I would have to say the state of my self-confidence is at a low. It’s not an all-time low. I still know I am in a better place mentally than I was when I started this journey two years ago. But, it is low.

The only thing I can pinpoint this dip in self-confidence is starting comedy. Specifically, watching myself on video constantly. I tape every set I do. I want to see how my material does. I want to see what nervous ticks I have on stage so I can work on them. The problem with cameras, especially when you have to prop them with beer bottles on a table, is the angles suck. I see myself, admittedly, at some of the worst angles in some the harshest, unflattering light. As I find less about my performance to beat myself up over, I find myself focusing on what I look like on stage.

Let’s be honest. It doesn’t matter what your size is. It is important to think about your image when you are building a career like comedy. It’s important to think about what people see on stage. I have no guitar to hide behind. I have no distractions on stage. It is just me, microphone in hand, wanting to gain the trust of an audience enough that they are willing to find humor where they might not otherwise. What I wear, what I look like is important.

It’s important for anyone, in any field. There is room for personal flair, and for all body types. In whatever any of us do, it’s important to project confidence and look like you have your shit together.
But, I’m struggling with the duality of it. Does this mean that I need to worry about my VBO in jeans? The rolls that I have? I’ll be honest. It drives me absolutely nuts. If there is anything about what I see on camera, it’s my midsection that fucks with my mind more than anything else. Where is the line between ensuring I look put together and trustworthy, and yet embracing my body for what it currently is with love and respect?

I don’t know the answer. I am far from someone who can give advice at this point. Perhaps I need some.

It’s not fair to blame it all on comedy, either. That ordeal with Craiglist hit me harder than I ever wanted to admit to anyone. I still struggle with stepping in front of anyone without thinking about it. The struggle with online hate is real. Maybe I should have waited longer before entering a new career, a new community, a new spotlight before working through that. There are other factors, other influences, that don’t have the same BoPo philosophy. It’s also not fair to blame anyone by myself. I have lost my way.

I am a wayward sheep. The farther I wander from my herd, the farther I get from the habits that helped me love my body, and the closer I get to the habits that didn’t. I drink less water. I drink more soda. I put garbage in my body. I will say, this moment has helped me remember something vital about this movement. When you love something, you treat it with care. Body positivity helped me love my body, and want to take care of it. The farther I get from that, the more I don’t care.

I think it’s the feeling of failure that burdens me the most. How could I be such a proponent of a moment for two years, and the moment I really become tested lose my way?

And, I hate to talk about it. I don’t want to be one of those women that seeks input from others to feel better about themselves. I don’t want to be a woe-is-me about this. But, I wonder if it’s important for others to see the struggle. It’s not always easy, all the time. Every journey has up and downs.

Spring Forward

I know, daylight savings time is a real debate. Some people like it. Some people hate it. But, nonetheless, many of us are about to spring forward our clocks.

Why do we do this? We do this to try to spread the sunlight out to the more useful hours. It is said that the use of Daylight Savings Time saves over 10,000 barrels of oil a day. Say what you want, but it does save energy.

But, what does this have to do with anything you would care about? Well, this got me thinking about body confidence. I was thinking about how I come across situations in my life that take so much energy, especially in the battle of body positivity.

For example, I had headshots taken this weekend in the name of comedy. I found myself worrying about them. Would I look okay? Was it worth paying for a photographer when I’m not a model? The idea of being in front of a camera really shook my confidence.

When the time came, I had a choice. I could either waste energy on these feelings, or spring past them. I had to spring past my insecurities so I could truly enjoy the sunshine of the moment.

Okay, so it might be a metaphorical stretch. But, you get where I’m headed, right?

In the last 3 months I’ve had a lot of first times. First time on stage. First real gig. First head shots. All of these moments have come with significant body confidence troubles. My mind wants to put significant energy into how I look on stage. How my outward appearance might negatively affect how my material is received. But, I choose to spring forward, if even in that moment when I have to step on the stage or in front of the camera.

So, feel free to steal my poor metaphor (but good advice). Sometimes it feels like we can’t run from our insecurities. I think working through insecurities, especially those connected with body issues, can take a lifetime to unravel. There are so many societal messages that reinforce our negative self talk. But, instead of spending energy trying to ban them forever, maybe we can all start at trying to spring forward. We can tell our insecurities we will fall back on them after our tasks are completely.

Spring forward for your goals. Spring forward so you can experience new things. Spring forward so you can love yourself. You might be surprised what results you get when you spring past your insecurities, if even just for an hour.

We All Lose Our Way

I feel like I’ve been writing a lot about the intersection of body positivity and health. I get on the soapbox and talk about it’s possible to live in that intersection without sacrificing your self love or your desire to be your healthiest self. There is a way to meld these two together in harmony. It’s all about checking your motivatations and not making any decision purely to chase the unattainable goal of the perfect looking body. Thinness isn’t health. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Here’s the thing. I’m feeling like a fraud lately.

Ever since I went on stage for my first open mic, I’ve been battling the old voices. I thought I was strong, and ready to take my next step into the world. But, I worry. Will my weight keep people for appreciating my humor? Will people give me a chance? Will they still be able to relate to me, and what I’m saying, even if I don’t “look pleasing?” Do I need to start wearing make up at every show, and update my wardrobe?

It has motivated me to start working out at home. This is something I have battled forever. “Traditional” exercise has always made me feel weak in the past. But, that has changed. I am up to doing 100 squats, 100 crunches, and 85 push ups. I’m going slow, but it is feeling amazing.

But I know I’m doing it for the wrong reasons. I’m doing it in hopes that, eventually, it will start changing some of the dimensions of my body. I’m hoping, on top of all the healthy stuff I am already doing, this will help my body begin to conform to a more “acceptable” shape.

There is some truth to my rationalizations. I’m not hiking right now, it’s too cold and wintery for me. And, it doesn’t stay light late enough for me to go for walks after my husband gets home. Plus, I’m not dancing as often. So, I need to do something at home while my son is at school. I need to keep my stamina up so I can hike and hunt waterfalls this coming season.

But, I have to admit, my head isn’t in the right place, either.

We all get lost on our journeys. No one is prepared for every twist and turn. The trick to is find your way again. I’ll get there. So will you.

Why You Should Take The Picture

We are in the midst of party season. As someone battling with the weight of body shame, this season is both fantastic and frightful. My nightmare before Christmas is always the pictures. Yes, I’m admitting that even as a proud voice for Body Positivity, I still struggle with taking pictures. I’ve almost lost my fear of the selfie, but I’ll admit that I tend to only post the images where I look a certain way. It’s the group pictures that I can’t really control that still bring anxiety.

The thing about pictures, especially at this time of year, is they really aren’t about what anyone looks like. I know that seems silly, given that we are creating a permanent record of appearances. But, truly, it has nothing to do with how anyone looks. Taking a picture is a really futile attempt to freeze a moment in time. It’s about trying to use the magic and sorcery of modern technology to place a moment into a bottle and keep it with us for the rest of time.

When I look back on pictures, I’m not looking at what the other people look like. I’m not picking apart my imperfections. A picture is a jumping off point, the spark that ignites a memory. As we move farther and farther from that point in time, we need that spark to remind us of the amazing moment we had in our lives, and importantly who we shared it with.

I know it’s scary to get in front of a camera. I understand the sweaty palms, the raised heartbeat and the heaviness that body shame brings to the picture. But, I also know that when I am older and far away from that moment, I won’t see or remember any of that. I will embrace the sorcery, and let the picture spark the memory. I will remember the joke that shared minutes before, and the loving exchange of hugs moments later. It will bring back to life the people in the room with me, even when life takes them far away. 

Pictures aren’t about being perfectly posed, impeccably dressed, or aesthetically pleasing. They only capture the best of us if we let them, and the best of us has nothing to do with how we look. So, smile and let the love of the moment shine through you. Remember you are creating a spark, for yourself and for others. Let them see you shine.

Why I Don’t Comment on Fat Shaming on Facebook Anymore

Yesterday was a rough day for my Facebook Feed in terms of Body Positivity.

First, was the new viral thread of “Wal*Mart Shaming” pictures. This bothered me for two reasons:

1. If you are a fat person of limited means, it’s not easy to find clothes that fit well. You can get kinda lucky if you are 2x or smaller. If you are over 2x, it is almost impossible to find clothes that would not get your shamed in pictures, even at Wal*Mart. So, laughing at what these people are wearing is really acknowledging and finding humor in what is a real social problem for people of different body types.
2. The fat people or not, the rest of the posts are people who are dressing to their particular style, which may or may not conform to societal norms. I get it that for people who have not “woken up” to an enlightened mindset that a man in denim shorts and pink heels could be funny. Do I find this funny? Absolutely not.

Secondly, there was a meme that has started making the rounds. It is of a fat couple, laying face down, cuddling in a bed. When I first saw this picture, I smiled. It reminded me of my husband and I, and how blissful we are after we… yea…..

But, then I saw the caption, “This could be us, but we don’t get enough food stamps.”

1. I’m not sure I can articulately explain why I am incredibly offended by the connection between being fat and being on social assistance. I feel like this hit at the heart of the misconception that being fat is all about being lazy, and unwilling to do any hard work. I don’t know. It just really pissed me off.
2. Why does an image of two fat people doing something that straight sized people do everyday have to come with a negative connotation? I’m really tempted to remake this meme, into something more positive.

The biggest frustration I had with both of these posts were the comments. There was one or two people standing up for why these might not be funny. It’s amazing the reaction of people to this.

“I’m fat. I’m on food stamps. This is hilarious.”

“Being fat is gross. People should just stop.”

“Come on, just get a sense of humor.”

“No one should be wearing THAT.”

The problem, is there is no way to change the minds of people commenting on posts like this on the internet. There’s no point in getting into a keyboard war with people anymore.

The greatest thing we, as Social Justice Warriors, can do is not share or comment on such degrading material. When you comment on something, even to say how wrong it is, it only increases the posting stats of post and increases it’s visibility. If we, as a society, stopped reacting to such material, pages would stop posting it.

If pages, blogs, and companies got more interaction from positive posts, and no interaction from negative posts like these, they would stop putting stuff like this on the internet.

I can’t control the sense of humor of others. I probably find situations funny that other people wouldn’t. Is it really anyone place to police humor? Probably not. But, I’m beginning to realize the best the I can do, for my own self-care, is not put myself in a position to see stuff like this. It’s not funny to me. That doesn’t mean I need to comment, or argue about it. I can just remove it from my digital life, and seek out more positive messages to share with the world.

The best way we can make the internet, and the world, a better place would be to put more energy into promoting content that help make a more positive world.