8 Things I Don’t Do Anymore Since Becoming Body Positive

Becoming Body Positive is more than just my relationship with my mirror (in love) and my scale (broken up!). To become really successful at this mind change, I had to become mindful of my thoughts and words every moment. I’ve learned to challenge my negative self talk, and be conscious of how I spoke to and about others.

Now that I’m a year or so in, I’m started to see a stark difference between myself and the woman I was a year ago. Here’s a list of thing I no longer do:

1. Talk about diets

Heads up, you won’t get a long dish session about diets out of me. That’s not to say I won’t politely sit in the circle while other women converse about it. I’ve had many conversations where I have plastered on a happy, polite, smile while my friends go through their dieting struggles.

Why won’t I dish on diets with you? Because I believe that restricting food choices purely based on changing my outward appearance is bad for my mental health and contributes to my disordered relationship with food. I believe there is a big difference between swapping healthy recipes because I want to eat healthier and counting carbs because I want to lose weight. It’s all in the intention with me. Wanna talk about great things to do with zuchinni noodles, I’m there! Wanna talk about what diet will help you lose 10 pounds by that party, not so much.

2. Talk about what I hate about my body.

I’ve noticed how many conversations I seem to end up in that revolved around what parts of our bodies we hate. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s a required part of the female bonding ritual. Maybe a couple years ago I would have quite a bit to add to the body hate fest, but I don’t anymore. Again, I go back to that happy, polite smile and hope I don’t get called on to add my required proof that I am not conceded. Though, if it happens, I have a go to response: “I’m kinda into this body positive thing lately. I’m trying to learn to love myself and not focus on what I look like.”

3. Agree with your negative opinions about your body.

I am not the friend to talk shit about your body in front of. I know some women commiserate in front of the mirror, bonding of their shared hate of their stomachs (or thighs, or butts, or whatever.) The best your going to get out of me is one of those happy, polite smiles before I change the subject.

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Now, if you wanna stand in front of a bathroom mirror and rave about parts of our bodies that we love. Well, I’m your girl. Let’s do this shit. I’ll bring the Fireball.

4. Fish for compliments about my body.

I will admit that I send snapchats of my clothes to my friends. Close friends. Maybe two. So, I suppose I still am looking for positive reinforcement with my wardrobe choices. I let this slide, since I’m learning to be more daring and open to what I wear. Here’s what you won’t catch me doing: fishing for compliments about my body. I’m not going to look my friends in the eye and say “God, I’m so fat. No one is ever going to love me” in hopes that my friends will rise up in a clamor of positive reinforcement. I don’t need my friends to tell me I’m not fat (because I am). I certainly don’t want to gain my feelings of positive self-image from the opinions of others. The person who’s opinion matters when it comes to my outward appearance is my own.

5. Talk shit about someone else’s body.

I not going to say that I don’t enjoy a good bitch session. There are all different types of personalities in the world, and sometimes I really need to vent about how some of them piss me off. So, I get it. Within the confines of a private area and your closest friend (or two) a good old fashion venting is totally therapeutic. But, you won’t watch me bringing their appearance into it. I will not talk about how that “skinny bitch” is ruining my life. I’m not going to say that her “fat ass” is gonna get knocked out. Take out the “skinny” and the “fat” and any of my close friends have heard that sentence multiple times.

Side note: Once you start delving into the world of “Social Justice Warriors” and Feminism, you start learning about other things you never thought about before. This is why you will never hear me use the terms “slut” or “whore” when talking about other women either. I’m learning about all the different ways the misogynistic culture has brainwashed us into maintaining “order.” 

6. Talk about someone personality based solely on their outward appearance.

I won’t say that woman must be a bitch because she’s skinny. I won’t say a woman must be a whore because of what she’s wearing. I won’t say that a guy must be shallow because he confirms to the standard aesthetics for attractiveness. Judging people based solely on their outward appearance is not my thing.
7. Talk negatively about any body type.

I’m not going to join in on this “skinny bitches are evil” business. I’m not going to talk about how men want “real women.” I have no interested in classifying people, and attaching negative stereotypes to them, because of their body type. Not all skinny people are rude. Not all fat people are lazy. Not all curvy girls are promiscuous. No one body type is better than the other, at anything.

8. Police anyone who does any of the above.

Here’s the deal. I know I get up on my soap box about this stuff. I’m a body positive warrior, and would love to see everyone in the world join me on this journey. I also know that it’s not for everyone. The greatest thing I’ve learned is that we have to stop judging and policing people who act and believe differently than we do. So, if I’m in a group of women who are gabbing about diets, or the “skinny bitch” in the corner, I get it. I did it to. I will put on my happy, polite smile and scroll through my facebook feeds. It’s not my job to tell people how to live their life. That’s what people have tried to do to me for decades. What I eat, what I say, and how I spend my time is no one’s business but my own. So, why would that be different for someone else?

 

Dear Spoiled, Priviledged, White Girls (An Open Letter To Nicole Arbour)

 

Dear Nicole,

See how I have grouped you in with all the negative stereotypes associated with your outward appearance? Sucks, doesn’t it?

There was a moment in your video that makes me think you’ve experienced body shaming. You make the point that because you are blonde, pretty, intelligent and not looking or a sugar daddy you are atypical. I’m guessing you have experienced the societal bullshit that says pretty girls can’t also be smart. You know what that is? Judging someone on their outward appearance. By telling someone like you that they can’t be smart because of how they look is shaming them for their outward appearance.

And, that’s the thing about #bodyshame. This isn’t just about fat people. It’s about people of all body types. It’s about women who get told they should eat a Twinkie (been guilty of saying that) because they look too thin. It’s about men who get shit because they don’t look masculine. It’s about people with disfigurements who get stared and gawked at when they try to leave their house. Fat women are leading the charge on the #bodypositive movement but, that doesn’t mean it is exclusive to only us. It’s about everybody, and EVERY BODY.

Honestly I highly doubt “Fat Family,” as you described, even existed. You are a comedienne, and probably took something benign and morphed it into something you thought would be funny. But, for the sake of those who don’t understand humor, let’s assume everything you said was true. Your anger, hatred, and discriminatory remarks weren’t out of love. They were because you were inconvenienced. When a pretty blonde is taking way to long to make her Starbucks order because she is on the phone talking about how she got “totally wasted” the night before, while twirling her hair and chewing gum, I don’t assume that every pretty blonde girl is a rude, inconsiderate, asshole who doesn’t care about the world around her. I may be guilty of thinking that of one person in particular, but it wouldn’t right of me to assume that everyone who looks like her is a bitch. That would be negatively judging people on their outward appearance.

Here’s the thing about “Fat Family.” You have no idea what is going on. The only people qualified to make judgements about their health are their health care team. Can you imagine how difficult it would be to “lose weight” the traditional way with joint problems? My husband is rated 40% disabled because of joint injuries sustained while fighting for our freedom. He can’t go hike with me, at least not the same distances I do. Does that make him lazy? Fuck no. You have no idea what “Fat Family” is going through. Maybe this fictitious family of yours all have some sort of degenerative joint condition. Maybe “Fat Family” decided recently they are going to make changes to their life. You can’t assume they aren’t trying because of how they look. You say your video isn’t aimed at people who have a specific medical condition, and yet you aren’t qualified to say whether someone does or not. The fact that you felt the need to clarify this point twice makes me thing you know what you were doing was shitty.

The question I really want to ask everyone, is why does it matter so much? Why is it so important that people who look differently than you hate themselves? Why is it so crucial that you be able to speak down to people with a different body composition?

One of the answers is body currency, which Jes Baker describes in her article, “Why People  Hate Tess Munster (And Other Happy Fat People.) Society tells us that only thin, “healthy” people achieve success, love, and happiness. We, as the mindless zombies of society, must chase that unattainable dream. We must throw all of our money, will-power, and self-esteem into this goal. Only then, are we allowed to think of ourselves as decent human beings. So, when someone like me, stands up and say “I’m happy, and gosh darn it I’m a good person” people go crazy. How dare I think positively of myself. I don’t look like the photo-shopped pictures in the magazines. Only models get to be successful, happy, and find love.

Here’s the thing. If shaming people was an effective form of weight loss motivation, there would be no fat people. We are bombarded with images, media, and people like you everyday telling us we are second class citizens because of our weight. Sure, this works for some people (or companies like BeachBody wouldn’t be as successful.) That is also why so many people gain the weight back. Coming at weight loss from an angle of shame and fear only inhibits the creation of healthy, sustainable habits. 95% of dieters gain their weight back within 5 years. If anything, the use of fear and shame as a weight loss tool has contributed to an increase in the amount of eating disorders. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental disorder. So, if you want to talk about keeping people around longer, maybe you should look into how messages like yours contribute to unhealthy relationships with food, of all types. (Thank you, anad.org)

Becoming #bodypositive was the greatest thing I ever did, especially for my health. Do you even know what it’s like to go outside your house as a fat person? The stares. The comments. Say what you want, but when a fat person goes to a gym they get more shade than “normal” sized people. You say we should exercise more, and yet the moment fat people try to exercise they are discriminated against. I see the looks I get when I’m on the hiking trail. I’ve been looked up and down, had eyes rolled at me, and even heard a huff or two. Becoming #bodypositive meant that I stopped giving people my power. I’ve come to realize what other people think of me is none of my business, so if they want to huff and roll their eyes that’s their problem. I know longer let other people’s shortsightedness and judgement dictate my hobbies.

Being #bodypositive isn’t about ignoring my health. It’s about appreciating that my health journey is my own, and learning to listen to my body’s particular needs. It means separating my self-worth from weight. Weight is by no means a measure of a person’s self worth.

https://instagram.com/p/60UUnRMXn6

 

Here’s the crazy thing. You ready? I eat healthier. I know. I’m fat and I eat salad. Isn’t that just a kick in the pants? Because you are right, I do have one body and it has to take me to the end. My body is a biological machine, and it needs the right fuel in order to operate. I get that. But, if you were to judge me by my size, you would have no idea. I learned that when I truly love something, I want to take care of it. When I started truly loving myself, and my body, I found more motivation and courage to make healthier choices. Who’s to say that “Fat Family” hasn’t started on a path to a “healthier lifestyle” recently. Just because someone is thin doesn’t mean they are healthy. Just because someone is overweight doesn’t mean they are unhealthy. Just because someone is blonde and pretty doesn’t mean they are a dumb, spoiled and privileged.

Here’s an even crazier thing… it’s none of your business. Have you heard of body autonomy? It means I have control over my body and what gets done with it, and to it. It’s the reason people can’t rape me or harvest my organs after my death without my permission. It’s almost means that you don’t get to tell me what I do with my body. I don’t have to justify myself or prove that I am attempting to live the traditionally healthy lifestyle. If I want to eat nothing but coke and fries for the rest of my life, that’s my business.

Honestly, Nicole, I think you are just trying to jump on the #bodyshaming bandwagon in an attempt for views. And, I respect that. Making our way in the digital world is tough, and jumping on trending topics is a way to be seen and heard. I got ya. So, really this letter isn’t for you. It’s for the people who take your video as truth, and permission to be assholes.