I ugly cried in the shower again yesterday. I don’t know what it is about my showers, but by the time they are done I’m an emotional ball of ugly cry.
I was thinking about how someone could explain to my brother’s kids why their father is going away for so long. How do you explain to three kids under the aged of 7 that their dad is deploying to a war zone?
I was thinking about how horrible my relationship with my brother is, and how f’ed up that it takes him being deployed for the both of us to put time aside to spend as a family.
I was thinking about how my son has only seen my brother three times in his life. If something happens, he may never remember his Uncle. He will just be some strange dude in a couple of pictures that his mom is way too attached to.
I know I’m not supposed to put this kind of stuff on the internet, but screw it. We are going on our family trip this weekend. My brother’s family, my little family, and our parents are all getting together. We are going to go to the wildlife safari. My husband is really excited about seeing a Rhino. I’m excited to see if my son has any interest in the animals at all.
But, mostly, I’m trying to figure out how to enjoy this weekend when the reason for this weekend is depressing. This may be the last time my brother spends time with his nephew. We are going down for his deployment ceremony, but that’s not quite the same.
It’s the last time we may spend time together.
I have had friends who were deployed. My husband was deployed. You can’t be a young adult in the last 10-15 years without having known at least one person who spent time in the sandbox.
I don’t know why I have so many feelings of dread.
I have a hard enough time making time for showers, anyway. I can’t afford to be afraid to get in it. I really need to find one of those waterproof bluetooth speakers. Maybe if I listen to some tunes instead of the water maybe my mind won’t wander.
Or Jason Mraz can drown out the sounds of my ugly cries. Either way. It may be a good investment.