Afraid Of My Shower


I ugly cried in the shower again yesterday. I don’t know what it is about my showers, but by the time they are done I’m an emotional ball of ugly cry.

I was thinking about how someone could explain to my brother’s kids why their father is going away for so long. How do you explain to three kids under the aged of 7 that their dad is deploying to a war zone?

I was thinking about how horrible my relationship with my brother is, and how f’ed up that it takes him being deployed for the both of us to put time aside to spend as a family.

I was thinking about how my son has only seen my brother three times in his life. If something happens, he may never remember his Uncle. He will just be some strange dude in a couple of pictures that his mom is way too attached to.

I know I’m not supposed to put this kind of stuff on the internet, but screw it. We are going on our family trip this weekend. My brother’s family, my little family, and our parents are all getting together. We are going to go to the wildlife safari. My husband is really excited about seeing a Rhino. I’m excited to see if my son has any interest in the animals at all.

But, mostly, I’m trying to figure out how to enjoy this weekend when the reason for this weekend is depressing. This may be the last time my brother spends time with his nephew. We are going down for his deployment ceremony, but that’s not quite the same.

It’s the last time we may spend time together.

I have had friends who were deployed. My husband was deployed. You can’t be a young adult in the last 10-15 years without having known at least one person who spent time in the sandbox.

I don’t know why I have so many feelings of dread.

I have a hard enough time making time for showers, anyway. I can’t afford to be afraid to get in it. I really need to find one of those waterproof bluetooth speakers. Maybe if I listen to some tunes instead of the water maybe my mind won’t wander.

Or Jason Mraz can drown out the sounds of my ugly cries. Either way. It may be a good investment.


14 thoughts on “Afraid Of My Shower

  1. What a tough situation for your nieces and nephews, and it’s a huge sacrifice that your brother is making. Enjoy the time that you do have together, then make the best of it when he’s deployed. Not great advice, I know, but I wouldn’t know what to do myself.


  2. Coming from a military vet I cannot tell you how much we thank you and your family for the sacrifices you make everyday. It’s not easy being active military and its not easy being family to a military member.

    You can’t dwell on the negatives, and depending where he is deployed there may not be a whole lot. Just remember, he is trained for this job, he knows what he is doing. His plattoon knows what they are doing. šŸ™‚ you’ve got this! As for explaining to his kids, tell them the truth. Their daddy is off saving the world. He’ll be back. Someone has to be a superhero, and they picked their daddy and his friends. It may not be true to some, but to his kids it will be and thats all that counts.


    • That was what came to my mind while I was ugly crying. That their daddy is a hero. His son loves super heroes, so I think he would like the idea. I’m nto sure why it came to my mind, my brother has a wife. She’s having those tough conversations with them, it’s not like I will really have to. It just popped into head.

      I agree I need to have faith in my brother’s training and his platoon. I wish I could comment on where he is being deployed. I bet you understand why you can’t post everything about stuff like this on the internet. My husband, who was in 10 years and deployed quite a bit, keeps reminding me that my brother is going to be more bored than anything.

      Thank you for the comment. I’m sure it seems silly to be so worked up. I feel silly for being so worked up.


  3. I’ll be thinking of you this weekend, I hope that your family enjoys spending the time together and makes the most of it. It is a difficult situation, but I agree with the earlier comment: your brother is a hero, and that is what his children need to know. xx


  4. I honestly have no real advice. My brother was gone for 4 years but I didn’t have a hard time with it. I guess I’m overly positive on the outside and quite negative on the inside. But when the whole situation is negative I just don’t feel anything, except on a rare occasion. I do hope your brother’s deployment goes well and he comes home safe though! But who wouldn’t hope that? Try doing something to keep you busy.


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