What I Wrote In My Death Letter

woman-865111_1280Yesterday I wrote about my extreme dental phobia. The day before my appointment, I wrote one of these “in case I die” letters. There were so many things I didn’t want left unsaid. Getting them off my chest actually alleviated some of my stress. In general, I truly think I was much calmer. With some names changed/omitted, and omitting some things that would cause more drama than they are worth, I give you my Death Letter:

If you are finding this, then you are discovering I wasn’t crazy. This is the only time in this whole thing I’m going to gloat about that. Congratulations world, you ignored my fear of dying in a dentist chair. And that’s how I went. Thanks.

20150131_144911I love my husband, in that crazy, psycho way that makes women become crazy and psycho. I hope he finds someone who calmer about it in the future. Yes, I’m saying you can remarry dear. I hope you know that even though the last 7 years have been sometimes darker and soul crushing, I don’t regret them. I think I had to get broken down in order to rebuilt. Who I have become, in large part to your support and love, is something I wouldn’t want to change. Thank you for always being there for me, even when I wasn’t always the best to be around. Thank you for being an amazing father to our son. Yes you can have all my stuff. Please finish the park tour. If anything, maybe bring family along. The memory making opportunities are amazing. I don’t know if I care about the waterfall stuff. It was my journey. But, if someone wants
to continue it, I’m not sure I care.

(Redacted: A bunch of information about all my different internet account passwords.)

In general, enjoy the clusterfuck that is my internet life.

2015-08-23 10.30.14-1You desperately are going to need strong and stable support. Luckily for you, our son starts school full time soon. So, that will help. Without me being overly protective, it should be much easier for you to take advantage of babysitters and support. (For the record, it wasn’t that I ever mistrusted anyone who offered. I just know how difficult it could be, and didn’t want to burden others. Now that I’m facing the tunnel, I can see why that was stupid. Lesson learned.)

My Son, I don’t even know if you will ever understand this. But your mother loves you with everything she has in her. I think you will grow to do amazing things. Your path is your own. Don’t ever take anyone’s word for what you can or cannot do. Find out for yourself.

I’ve been a shitty friend. Hands down. If there was a list of faults about my, I guess short lived, life being a friend would be at the top. But, I appreciate everyone who supported and loved me through the years. I never would have become the woman I am (was?) without it.

In the same breath, I feel like I’ve been pretty shitty in my other types of relationships, too. As a daughter I’m selfish. As a sister I’m distant. As a cousin I’m… I don’t even know. But also distant. I guess I never have felt like I fit in with anyone. I always kinda figured the corner was my place, at least with family stuff. But, when it comes to families, I really did luck out in many ways. My parents are amazing. I did better with my one brother than I have with the 3 options I had for potential sisters. I dunno. Maybe this is passive aggressive, and inappropriate, but fuck it, I’m dead right? (Redacted: Some very strong words, that included the word fuck.) Brother, find your strength. Find your voice. Make the world a better place, in the way I never had the courage to.

And, I can’t say I know for sure, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t scary in that dentist chair. I’m glad they prescribed the valium. I’m sure it made it easier. I’ve always said that if I could touch one life, and help someone feel better about themselves, I’ve done a good thing. And, I’m pretty sure I did. Combine that with a beautiful son, a great husband, and a relatively boring life, I feel like I can die knowing things were alright. 🙂 ❤