Wrestling With The Rolls

I was getting dressed for a girl’s night out and decided to try on a dress from the back of my closet. This dress hasn’t been off it’s hanger in at least 7 years, making the dress approximately 10 years old. (The fact that I have clothes this old makes me cringe a bit. I suppose I’m still working on coming to terms with my age as well.) It’s one of those pieces that I absolutely loved, pre-baby body.

When I put on this dress I was absolutely ecstatic. The last time I tried this dress on it wouldn’t even go over my breasts. But this time, it slide all the way down like it was cut specifically for the body I have now. It was like coming home to an old friend who is so happy to see me that it brightens the rest of my day.

Then, I remembered a problem I have with this dress. I had it before, and I have it now. The cut has always been slightly off for my hips.

As I’m staring at the mirror, my gaze goes from enjoying the entire look to narrowing on this one sliver of a section. That roll. That one roll ruined the whole moment for me.

As I was wallowing in my sorrow, the body positive work I have been doing kicked in. I started to ask myself why is this roll bothering me? Is it because it’s there and I don’t like it? Is it because it’s there and I think other people won’t like it? I’m really not sure. I know what my budding philosophy on the matter says to me. A roll is a roll. It is part of my body. My body is unique because it has features that other bodies do not have. Those features come in many forms, including rolls and curves. It is society that condemns this uniqueness in my outward appearance. But, because what other people think of me is none of my business, it does not matter what society thinks. It matters what I think. I think that I am beautiful. (How’s that for a mouthful.)

You would think that paragraph would solve this mental conundrum of mine. Yet, I’m still left wondering why I am bothered by this roll. I have a few parts of my body that I am working on accepting. It is the root of the bother that, well, bothers me. Am I distracted by this one silver of a section of my profile because I dislike it or because I worry someone looking at me will dislike it?

Sometimes I think the body positive messages in the world gloss over the journey. It’s not always a single light bulb moment. For me, this whole mindset is taking time. I will say this. Even though this roll vexes me, it does not change how I feel about myself. I am still a good person. I am still deserving of love and happiness. I am still enough. It’s this lesson that is so important. I can waste the time wondering about how my outward appearance presents itself, but I never have to worry about my self-worth again.

Post-Script: As I was looking through, and uploading the pictures, I realized something. I’m not really seeing in the pictures what I’m seeing in the mirror.

I think I just came to terms with these rolls.

The discomfort is of my own creation.