Wrestling With The Rolls

20151005_095024I was getting dressed for a girl’s night out and decided to try on a dress from the back of my closet. This dress hasn’t been off it’s hanger in at least 7 years, making the dress approximately 10 years old. (The fact that I have clothes this old makes me cringe a bit. I suppose I’m still working on coming to terms with my age as well.) It’s one of those pieces that I absolutely loved, pre-baby body.

When I put on this dress I was absolutely ecstatic. The last time I tried this dress on it wouldn’t even go over my breasts. But this time, it slide all the way down like it was cut specifically for the body I have now. It was like coming home to an old friend who is so happy to see me that it brightens the rest of my day.

Then, I remembered a problem I have with this dress. I had it before, and I have it now. The cut has always been slightly off for my hips.

As I’m staring at the mirror, my gaze goes from enjoying the entire look to narrowing on this one sliver of a section. That roll. That one roll ruined the whole moment for me.

As I was wallowing in my sorrow, the body positive work I have been doing kicked in. I started to ask myself why is this roll bothering me? Is it because it’s there and I don’t like it? Is it because it’s there and I think other people won’t like it? I’m really not sure. I know what my budding philosophy on the matter says to me. A roll is a roll. It is part of my body. My body is unique because it has features that other bodies do not have. Those features come in many forms, including rolls and curves. It is society that condemns this uniqueness in my outward appearance. But, because what other people think of me is none of my business, it does not matter what society thinks. It matters what I think. I think that I am beautiful. (How’s that for a mouthful.)

20151005_093717You would think that paragraph would solve this mental conundrum of mine. Yet, I’m still left wondering why I am bothered by this roll. I have a few parts of my body that I am working on accepting. It is the root of the bother that, well, bothers me. Am I distracted by this one silver of a section of my profile because I dislike it or because I worry someone looking at me will dislike it?

Sometimes I think the body positive messages in the world gloss over the journey. It’s not always a single light bulb moment. For me, this whole mindset is taking time. I will say this. Even though this roll vexes me, it does not change how I feel about myself. I am still a good person. I am still deserving of love and happiness. I am still enough. It’s this lesson that is so important. I can waste the time wondering about how my outward appearance presents itself, but I never have to worry about my self-worth again.

Post-Script: As I was looking through, and uploading the pictures, I realized something. I’m not really seeing in the pictures what I’m seeing in the mirror.

I think I just came to terms with these rolls.

The discomfort is of my own creation. 

 

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33 thoughts on “Wrestling With The Rolls

  1. Love this post!!! Love your picture! Beautiful! I’m glad you are loving the skin you’re in (and ALL of it) 🙂 I know how difficult it is to change what you SEE because of all the negative thoughts we’ve had. But we can do it. I’m learning how to make that shift on my own journey. I’m glad you’re doing it too!

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  2. Yes!! What a great dress and post. As I was reading it I was saying to myself “WHAT ROLL??” I couldn’t find so I’m glad once you saw the pictures that you couldn’t either. We all do so much damage to ourselves by focusing on the most minor of imperfections that others would never notice. You go out and rock that dress – you look great!

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  3. Such a great post. I looked at your picture while reading the first few sentences about finding your dress and was thinking, “How great she found a dress that looks so cute on her and fits well”. And then read the rest and can so relate. I don’t own a dress because I can’t find one that I like that fits my lumps quite right and my mind, they look terrible. But clearly, it’s really just in my mind. That dress looks great. I hope you rocked it on girls night:)

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  4. So much love for this post! “That one roll ruined the whole moment for me.” Can I tell you how many moments my roll(s) have ruined for me?! Girl, I get it 100%. In my own BoPo journey, I’m coming to terms with my midsection as well and here is a thought I had while reading your post. I know lots of women (big AND small) who have rolls. Their rolls don’t bother me in the least yet mine have been the cause of epic meltdowns. Why is that? Anyway, thank you so much for the mid-morning therapy!!!!

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  5. What a fantastic post! Especially that postscript. I’m so glad you’ve gotten to a comfier place.

    I often have the opposite problem – I look in the mirror and feel like a million bucks, and then later see photos from the same night and I get stuck on how awful I (think I) look in the pictures. It saps a lot of the joy of the experience when I do that to myself, so that’s the issue I’m working on reframing these days.

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    • Been there, too. Just the other day, actually. Sometimes pictures can make us see the beauty we don’t see… and sometimes pictures show the worst of the worst. Pictures, in general, are usually my foe. But I’m working on it. Thanks for the comment 🙂

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  6. This post is awesome and exactly what I needed to hear right now. It is so hard not to fixate on the parts of ourselves we are less than happy with, and I struggle with that every day. I will try asking myself some of the questions you use in this post and hopefully that will help me put things more into perspective. Thank you for sharing!

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  7. I’ve been there! I’m still trying to lose some baby weight, and there’s this roll on my stomach that sticks out when I sit down. I’m slowly starting to come to terms that it’s just me, and I love me for who I am!

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