I don’t know how it happened, I really don’t. But, I weighed in 2 pounds less than I did last week, putting me at 230 pounds. I wish I could be more excited about this. I feel like 230 pounds means I really have made some progress since the beginning of the year. I know my progress is slow, and most people would have lost 18 pounds in a couple months, but whatever. It is no longer a fluke, and it is no longer a “maybe”. I have lost some weight, I have started becoming healthier.
Or, at least I should feel that way.
I feel like it’s a lie, to be honest. I feel like any day now I’ll get back on the scale and be back to where I was 18 pounds ago.
I have some mental things to work on, yes?
The Ipockolyptic Challenge is going pretty well. Today was suppose to be a rest day, but I did the next rep. It’s my birthday weekend, and I’m sure I’ll forget to do my reps at least once. I’ve turned the sit-ups into crunches, because my lower back hurt doing sit-ups. I’m cheating at the burpees, I admit it. I’m not doing the push-ups in the middle. I’m doing the rest of it though, and that is plenty for me. The push-ups are on my knees, which doesn’t bother me one bit. I had to do 7 push-ups today, and on my knees it hurt. I’m having a hard time imagining I’m going to be able to make to the last day. 20 push-ups, 30 crunches, and 18 burpees sounds insane to me. If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you right?
I haven’t line danced in a long time. I would have gone last night but I just wasn’t feeling well. I’m feeling like I’ve been missing out on something that really makes me feel good about myself. I hope I feel well enough tonight to go, at least for the hour long lesson.
In general I have some issues reconciling my visions. I want to learn to accept my body for what it is. I want to love myself. Period. What I look like is not important, who I am is what matters.
Yet, I feel like my weight loss journey is focused so much on my weight. I feel like focusing on my weight is focusing on what I look like.
I am working out, and trying to lose weight, because I want to see every accessible waterfall in Oregon. Some of these are strenuous hikes. To achieve this goal I will need to become stronger and healthier. I don’t care if I’m “fat” when I do these, but I do care if I can make the hike without feeling like I’m going to die.
I’ll admit, there are some hikes I do on a semi-regular basis that are starting to feel easier. I have some non-scale victories. Instead of focusing on those, I find myself looking at myself in the mirror every day, wondering if I see a difference. Does my stomach look smaller? Do I have more of an hour glass shape? I could spend an hour just staring at myself and criticizing everything that I see. This is almost the exact opposite of how I want to feel/focus on during this journey.
Anyone else have problems being “body positive” and staying focused on their weight loss goals? Does have to be one or the other?