8/8 Weigh-In

18

I don’t know how it happened, I really don’t. But, I weighed in 2 pounds less than I did last week, putting me at 230 pounds. I wish I could be more excited about this. I feel like 230 pounds means I really have made some progress since the beginning of the year. I know my progress is slow, and most people would have lost 18 pounds in a couple months, but whatever. It is no longer a fluke, and it is no longer a “maybe”. I have lost some weight, I have started becoming healthier.

Or, at least I should feel that way.

I feel like it’s a lie, to be honest. I feel like any day now I’ll get back on the scale and be back to where I was 18 pounds ago.

I have some mental things to work on, yes?

The Ipockolyptic Challenge is going pretty well. Today was suppose to be a rest day, but I did the next rep. It’s my birthday weekend, and I’m sure I’ll forget to do my reps at least once. I’ve turned the sit-ups into crunches, because my lower back hurt doing sit-ups. I’m cheating at the burpees, I admit it. I’m not doing the push-ups in the middle. I’m doing the rest of it though, and that is plenty for me. The push-ups are on my knees, which doesn’t bother me one bit. I had to do 7 push-ups today, and on my knees it hurt. I’m having a hard time imagining I’m going to be able to make to the last day. 20 push-ups, 30 crunches, and 18 burpees sounds insane to me. If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you right?

I haven’t line danced in a long time. I would have gone last night but I just wasn’t feeling well. I’m feeling like I’ve been missing out on something that really makes me feel good about myself. I hope I feel well enough tonight to go, at least for the hour long lesson.

In general I have some issues reconciling my visions. I want to learn to accept my body for what it is. I want to love myself. Period. What I look like is not important, who I am is what matters.

Yet, I feel like my weight loss journey is focused so much on my weight. I feel like focusing on my weight is focusing on what I look like.

I am working out, and trying to lose weight, because I want to see every accessible waterfall in Oregon. Some of these are strenuous hikes. To achieve this goal I will need to become stronger and healthier. I don’t care if I’m “fat” when I do these, but I do care if I can make the hike without feeling like I’m going to die.

I’ll admit, there are some hikes I do on a semi-regular basis that are starting to feel easier. I have some non-scale victories. Instead of focusing on those, I find myself looking at myself in the mirror every day, wondering if I see a difference. Does my stomach look smaller? Do I have more of an hour glass shape? I could spend an hour just staring at myself and criticizing everything that I see. This is almost the exact opposite of how I want to feel/focus on during this journey.

Anyone else have problems being “body positive” and staying focused on their weight loss goals? Does have to be one or the other?

 

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7 thoughts on “8/8 Weigh-In

  1. I am definitely having issues focusing on weight loss. I’m getting very distracted with all of the busyness of summer. I’ve not fallen off of the wagon, but I’m certainly not blazing any trails right now.

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  2. Well, as you know, I quit my diet and focused on being body positive. I honestly don’t think I can be both. I’m either a dieter and unhappy with myself and pushing to be different or I’m eating whatever the fuck I want and avoiding the scale like it’s the plague and loving my double chins! My answer is a personal one and I haven’t even thought about the subject, but it’s a really interesting question. I find myswlf motivated by skinny people and something i would rather look like when dieting. When comparing what i am now to those photos and images, I flat out hate myself. When I’m not focused on all the things I want to change it allows me to see the good things about myself. I don’t have a number that I’m struggling to reach. I dont have to obsess over food. I just stacked up all of my clothes that are a smaller size. Why keep them? It’s just another reminder of something I’m not conforming to. Fuck it. I am the way I am and if I don’t love myself now, I won’t love myself later no matter what size I am.

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  3. It IS hard to be body positive and also “dieting”. I know that for me, I definitely can’t do diets anymore. I can’t think of it that way. I get trapped in negative spirals almost immediately. But what I can do is offer my body one gift at a time, out of love. “Here, body, have this salad! It’s a gift because I love you!” and then “Here, body, have this yoga class! It’s a gift!” and sometimes “Here, have this ice cream! It’s a gift because I love you!” I think of my physical self sometimes as a child that I am taking care of.

    Also, I grew up in Oregon and am enjoying seeing pictures of the Most Beautiful State’s waterfalls… 🙂

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