Being A Fat Girl In A Video

Have you ever seen a video of yourself and been really disturbed by what you saw?

I asked someone to take video of me line dancing last night. I posted it on Facebook without watching it, because I knew that I was awesome! The problem isn’t my footwork, my problem is my waist line.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been overweight in one form or another my whole life. I am pretty aware of what my weight is at all times, trying to weight myself once a week.

When I finally watched the video I felt absolute deflated. How could I be “THAT” big? I don’t just look overweight anymore. I look obese.

In that moment I completely forgot how I was feeling when doing that dance. I was feeling happy. I was feeling accomplished. I was feeling proud. I had, almost, nailed a relatively complicated line dance. I was enjoying myself.

The next couple line dances I really felt exposed and ashamed. Somehow I knew that there were people staring at me, asking themselves how someone can get so fat. How someone that fat could line dance at all.

Then my favorite line dance came on. It’s called “outlaw.” It is done to a song called “Whiskey Drinking SOB.” The first couple steps I still felt like I didn’t deserve to shake my hips. Eventually, the music carried me away. I forgot about that “fat” girl in the video and started remember that I was actually there in that moment.

It didn’t matter what other people thought, and it didn’t matter what other people saw. The reason why I line dance is to make myself healthier, both mentally and physically.

By the end of the night I was one of six line dancers left. I learned 4 or 5 line dances and danced well over 10 total. I got told I am very good at Swing, even though I’ve never taken a lesson in partner dancing in my life.

When the “skinny bitches” went home, I was still there. I was there with my friends, I was there with my music, and I was there with my dance floor.

I can give in to what I see in the mirror, pictures, or videos. I can give into the negative self talk in my head that says that I am too fat to do anything. Fat people don’t go anywhere. Fat people don’t leave the house. I am too fat.

Or….

I can continue what I have been doing since January. I can go do stuff anyway. Losing weight isn’t just about doing boring, repetitive, hard workouts at home (thought I do those.) Losing weight is about using your body to your advantage. Using your two feet to walk up a mountain, or dance, or paddle board for the first time. It’s about using my eyes to see waterfalls, and sites that I didn’t even know where only 20 minutes from my home.

My legs are sore this morning, which is a sign that I had a lot of fun last night.

I’m happy I posted that video. When I watch it with the right mindset, I am do distracted by the smile on my face to worry about what’s going on below it.

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